If you buy a girl a cheeseburger...

If you buy a girl a cheeseburger...

(A tale similar yet nothing like the childhood classic “If you give a mouse a cookie”)

Another short story by Kelly Macintosh.

In a land far, far away where the kangaroos frolic with the people – wait, sorry. That’s not how this story starts at all!

The past week had some more interesting events which are just too good to not tell you about, dear reader. As I've come to learn with my traveling, you have to understand that everything which happens is another opportunity to learn something new and expand your horizons. Well, my horizons are certainly wider now. All thanks to a lot of cheap drinks, a bad date, a cheeseburger and a Russian girl. (God, this sounds like the beginning of a cheesy adult novelty porno book haha!)

The past weekend was my boyfriend’s birthday. A big group of us got together in downtown Sydney to have some drinks and celebrate Alex’s birthday. We started the night off at a backpacker’s hostel called Bar Century. It has always smelled like vomit and stale beer every time I’ve been there but it never fails for having a good time and cheap $3 drinks. Finding cheap drinks in Australia is kind of like finding a leprechaun. When you do, you keep it all to yourself and not tell anyone else about it. It’s quite normal to pay $7-$10 for a single vodka soda in Oz. Don’t even get me started on the $15 price tag for a vodka redbull that was only 75 cents in Thailand! So here we were at Bar Century with our drinks and having a grand ol’ time like we always do.  There was a girl sitting by the pokies (slot machines/fruities) who kept looking over at us and giving a rather pleading/ “please save me” look.  She was sitting there with two other guys and looked so incredibly miserable on top of it all. I told Alex to go over and offer to buy her a drink to get her away from it. He said he wouldn’t do it so I took matters into my own hands and did it myself. I went over and said “Hey, can I buy you a drink?” She looked at me all bewildered and just replied with “You? Me?” It clicked in my mind what she was thinking and all I could blurt out was “No! I’m not a lesbian, I just want to buy you a drink!” Off we went to the bar and I explained I was buying her a drink to get her out of her awkward double date scenario if that’s what she needed. She was very grateful for the drink and invitation to join our group. Several drinks later, we decided we all needed to refuel and hungry jack’s (burger king) was the solution. We invited this girl, Julia, to come with us and so she did. She ditched the two boys she went to the bar with and came along with us for some burgers and more drinks at the scary canary (awesome name, eh?). Julia was at the end of her travels and was pretty much broke. I  know how that feels and decided for some good karma I would buy her some food and drinks for the rest of the night. She only had a week and a half left in Sydney before she was heading back home to Germany (but she is originally from Mother Russia). FORWARD MARCH!! We arrived at the Scary Canary around midnight and girls didn't have to pay an entry fee either – boobs rock! This is when things took a turn. Julia and I were on the dance floor and she was rocking it like a bauss.  This German guy came up to me and was asking about Julia and if she was single. Judging by the looks on that girl’s face, kitty was hungry and ready to kill! I told the German guy she was actually single AND German so he could probably seal the deal. He went to speak to her and then came back to me within a minute claiming she didn't speak German! I went to her after and asked why she didn’t talk to him even if they can speak the same language. She said she wasn't interested in him. Yet, this girl had the most gleaming, determined look in her eye to find a “2am snack”.  Later on in the night, she said she was off the bar for a drink. 5 minutes later she came back to the dance floor, but a fishbowl was missing. I thought nothing of it at the time and kept dancing with her. 1:30am made its infamous appearance and we decided to call it a night. The dance floor felt like a sauna and there were people hooking up left right and centre. When we were all saying goodbye, I asked Julia to take my number to let me know she had arrived home safely. She suddenly became lost for words and kept looking around (maybe in the hopes something surreal would happen to be an ultimate distraction). Alex piped up that I didn’t need to give her my number because he already had hers. I’m a believer in the world of strange and unknown things but I highly doubt he received her phone number via telekinesis. I had too much to drink to connect all the dots so I just gave her two kisses on the cheek and said goodnight. On the cab ride home, everything suddenly dawned on me. When she had gone off to get her “drink”, she went to Alex and gave him her phone number and told him to call her! As we were all saying goodbye and giving kisses before getting in the cab, she whispered to him to call her because she only had 10 more days left in Sydney. And it only gets better too!! On our way home in the taxi, I asked Alex to call Julia and see what she was looking really looking for. The called summed it all up – she was looking to hook up with him during the next week and a half she had left in Sydney. The bloody nerve of this girl!!! Here I decided to take this girl under my wing by buying her drinks and a cheeseburger and inviting her to hang out with us. And how does she show her thanks? By trying to hook up with Alex. Honest to God, what the frig is wrong with girls?!?!?!

Lesson Learned: Don’t buy a girl a cheeseburger. You’ll end up getting burned. No pun intended.